TETAW

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i've moved to http://tetaw.blogspot.com/  seeya!

I've Got Way Too Much Free Time

A few days ago, during my usual afternoon ritual of staring vacantly at a wall while listening to 80’s power ballads, I had a vision… A vision of my future… A vision of my future with Richard Quest, my super hot business traveling beacon of hope and my window to current events around the world.

With some Photoshop diligence, I made some visuals of my glorious epiphany..

Here’s what our wedding would look like.

This is me and RQ smiling for the photographers after the 5 minute ceremony at the Little Church of the West Wedding Chapel in

Las Vegas

.  Aww, we’re so happy!

This is our two tier wedding cake.. it will be made out of marble and won’t actually be edible, but it will taste like peaches if you lick it.

And here’s a picture of us with my newly acquired family at the reception.  My two step sons Johnny (black shirt on the right) and Hadji (turban on the right).  Their nanny Race Banon and dog Bandit are on the left beside Hadji. And that’s a lizard man there in the middle with The Canon of Happiness and Prosperity.  I smell a Happy Ever After!!

Guess What Alphie??

Hey Alphie, remember that doodle thing that you asked me to do 5 months ago?? Well I finally got around to doing it!! Gosh I’m so not lazy!

Signs That You've Been Out Of Work For Too Long

1. The highlight of your day is doing your laundry (which incidentally isn’t much since you only ever wear that one oversized Cat Gas LPG t-shirt to lounge around the house all week)

2. You’re beginning to get a tan from being exposed to TV light so much

3. You find yourself repeatedly watching Hallmark movies w/ titles like “My Son is Not a Murderer”, “Love’s Abiding Joy” and “Fatal Error” (which is a movie about a deadly virus that’s spread through computer monitors and stars Antonio Sabato Jr. and some actress girl) and sobbing hysterically the whole time.

4. You’re beginning to get bed sores from lying on your ass all day.

5. You eat breakfast food for every meal since you always think its morning after waking up from your 5 hour naps.

6. You’ve been sending messages to all your exes, both real and imagined (those restraining orders didn’t give any restrictions on sending messages now did they?? So suck on that!!), out of sheer boredom (or desperation, who knows?).

7. You start getting really good at using Photoshop to paste your face onto pictures of parties and vacations so you can post them on Friendster and fake having your fantasy life of being a rich socialite crime solving psychic.

8. You go shopping for three hours and end up buying only soap and toothpaste since, aside from being broke, you don’t have anything to wear new clothes, shoes or accessories to. So you lock yourself in a mall fitting room and sob hysterically while drawing a warts and body hair on your reflection with lipstick until mall security kicks you out.

9. Your eyebrows are now non existent since you’ve taken to compulsively plucking them during your idle time.. which is all the time since you quit your job.

10. The only other time you’ve left the house in the past three weeks is when you had to go to the hospital for tetanus and rabies shots after the neighbors dog bit you for trying to lure him with tasty bread and then kidnap him and then maybe kill him.. or marry him.. it depends on your mood really.

Long List of Why Part 4 (?): Why Do Girls Think They Can Become Successful Models By Joining A Reality Show?

Despite how ridiculous I find Tyra Banks, I’m totally hooked on America’s Next Top Model.  I love the wacky way Tyra contorts her face when she tries to look all serious and severe during eliminations (especially during times when they give girls the boot for no special reason except they annoyed the judges).  I love it when when the aspiring super models totally melt down either because their walk wasn’t “fierce” enough for miss Jay or because they couldn’t seem to rock the “personal style” Tyra chose for them. I also love the way ANTM expressions like “fierce” and “don’t get it twisted” have made their way into my heart and my regular vocabulary.

For sure the show is entertaining, but in terms of producing America’s (or any other countries) Next Top Model, I don’t think the show will ever really deliver (not to make anything of the fact that the winners of the past seasons have now disappeared into relative obscurity).  Somehow, I don’t think turning their lives into a watch-all-you-want free for all is the best way for these model wannabes to go about becoming a successful model.  Models are supposed to embody an ideal. They’re supposed to represent the fantasy that whatever they’re endorsing promises. In that sense, mystery is a model’s best friend. Knowing what models are like for reals is a total buzz kill (I mean it takes away from the fantasy when you know that the girl modeling , say, ridiculously expensive clothes from some snotty designer is really a total hillbilly or that she once relieved herself on an adult diaper just for the heck of it [lisa, that last one was aimed at you, you fucked up attention whore!]). 

There’s a scene in ANTM that they keep showing in commercials where Tyra tells a crying, almost eliminated Korean contestant something like, “Being a top model isn’t about having nice cheekbones, it’s about who.you.are!”. Oh Tyra, don’t get it twisted, nobody wants to know who models really are, being a model is all about who other people want you to be.

Guess What?!?!

Guess what?!

So I was riding the elevator to my floor this morning when I noticed…

… that the floor buttons pressed were all powers of 2 (2, 4 and 8)!!!

Coincidence? Ya it probably was…

Okay so maybe that wasn’t really worth sharing with anyone, but I haven’t put up a post in two months, I needed to post something to break my slump..

Gosh I need to get a life…

So you survived valentines day..

.. congratulations on your new borderline personality disorder! Have a Carebear! (they’re absolutely scrumptious)

But don’t shift into your manic state just yet.. First make sure you’ve crossed off everything on this post valentines to-do list

-          Put away all your emo CDs, take a bath, eat a decent meal and sack up! After valentines, being all weepy and lovelorn is just annoying

-          Check if any of the cuts you made on yourself are still bleeding one day after you made them.  Any excessive bleeding might mean you either nicked a major artery or have diabetes or something, in which case you probably need to call an ambulance… right now. Remember, self mutilation is only cool when nobody dies… (otherwise its just suicide and that was only cool for 5 minutes back in 1997)

-          If you’re one of those budget conscious people who live by the “Break up before Christmas, make up after Valentine’s day” rule, it’s time to give your ex a call..

-          Get rid of all that chocolate you ate (summer is barely 2 months away, silly!)  Here’s a handy tip from wikihow.com:

Trigger your gag reflex by pressing your index and middle finger onto the very back of your tongue, almost into your throat. Then start stroking the back of your throat. At this point most people will just gag and cough, keeping this up will eventually cause vomiting. Doing this should induce vomiting within 2 minutes

-          Bone up on you test taking skills.. Get a pregnancy test, an ELISA test, a Tzanck test and a Wassermann test

-          Save yourself unnecessary stress and remember that the age of consent in the

Philippines

is 12 years old.

-          Tip the hooker you woke up next to generously, it was valentines for the sake of Pete! People should be generous!

-          Don’t forget to ask your customer you woke up next to for a big fat tip. It was valentines for the sake of Pete! People should be generous!

Yule Tools 2006

 

Hey, waddaya know? It’s Christmas again!  This year I’ve managed to tear myself away from my super busy schedule of compulsive overeating and crying hysterically while taking cold showers long enough to be able to write a post. 

I thought, what better way to spread the Christmas cheer than to share with my three readers (hi mom, dad, ate!) some of the essentials to make this festive occasion one to remember. You may ask what makes me such an expert on Christmas merrymaking, and the answer is really quite simple: my hand… smacking your face (so stop asking stupid questions fool!). 

So here we go (gotta make this fast, I’m getting hungry again..):

Stollen

This is the super delicious bread-like cake that you can buy from Santi’s every Christmas (although theres usually none left after the first week of December).  It’s what fruit cake would taste like if it was actually delicious.  It’s slightly sweet with dried fruits and powdered sugar, a little spicy with cinnamon and cardamom, and faintly bitter with the taste of gourmet highway robbery (I think I bought a box before for more than 600 pesos).

The trick here is to douse it with red wine before eating it.  Eventually you start adding more and more wine to less and less bread, and before you know it you’ll be having a very merry Christmas indeed!

Nivea Good-bye Cellulite Gel Cream

This is supposed to visibly reduce the appearance of cellulite by increasing L-Carnitine (some substance that helps in fat metabolism and blood flow) in your skin.

So I don’t really know if this actually works, but it makes downing a whole leg of ham that much more fun knowing that you have a sort of magical cellulite shield.  Plus it tastes really good with brie and crackers.

Double sided tape

I don’t know how I ever got along without double sided tape.  I mean, wrapping gifts with the tape showing in the outside is so December 2002!  No other method of adhesion can make your gift wrapping so neat and tape-less looking.  Glue makes the paper all pruny and wrinkly, using rice makes your presents too irresistible to mice and ants, rubber cement makes them too hard to open and one sided tape is impossible to use without it showing on the outside of your present.

Once your friends see your impeccably wrapped presents with the gift wrapper seemingly being held together by nothing but Christmas magic, they will bow down to your wrapping prowess and crown you king/queen of Christmas.

Mindless Self Indulgence

:D

Paper Bags

Paper bags serve so many Christmas purposes.  You can use them as a cheap container for your Christmas cookie gifts (just add a colorful ribbon, or a “Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas, You Ho” card).  They’re can be used for doggie bags if there are any Christmas dinner leftovers.  They also come in handy when you need to barf out your dinner (we gots to maintain the girlish figure after all) and there’s a long line to the bathroom.  You can tear them up and use it to garnish you’re food if you’re low on cash but still want your dishes to look posh (just say they’re super thin Norwegian crackers or whatever).

Scheffield Choice Bread -Roast Knife (twin edged with serving prongs)

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It’s the all around knife for your Christmas dinners.  With just one knife, you got your bread and roast cutting needs covered, how cool is that? And the handy dandy serving prongs eliminate the need for an extra serving fork to transfer your slabs of meat or slices of bread to another plate.

Also, after all your dinner guests have gone and the depression sets in again, you can use it to cut yourself and numb the pain of your ultimately pointless existence.  It’s long stainless steel blade allows for longer, neater cuts that are less likely to leave implicating scars.  Plus it’s dishwasher safe, so the blood will wash right out. 

I Know What I Did Last Saturday

Adam and I have never been around Malate on foot before.  We thought what better way to soak up the scene than to join a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Pride March that was going around the area?  The good people at Lesbian Advocates Philippines were nice enough to let us help them carry their banner and let us in on some parade action. 

And really, there’s no better way to get around an area; we passed by the church my parents got married in, saw a lot of quaint restaurants and antique shops, met some really interesting people, got cheered on by pedestrians and campaigned for gay rights all in one afternoon!

So anyways, here are some pictures taken with my camera yesterday…

These are the members of the Golden Gays, its an organization that takes care of the gay elderly.  The rightmost guy at the top row walked the whole parade in three inch heels.

Adam and the pastel priest. You gotta give the guy some credit for being so patient with us photo whores.

Aww, its a bashful twink in pink.. Reminds Adam of himself a few years back.

The fabulous gyrating ati-atihan dancers... although they're just standing around in this picture.

The tireless Amnesty International Pilipinas beauty queens.  They hooked me up (and almost every pedestrian we passed) with a really nifty Gay Rights temporary tattoos.

The women of LeAP. Nice asses ladies!

And of course me, adam helping the LeAP girls carry their wonderfully ornate (its got sequins and dyed pink rock salt stuck to it!) banner.  Fun, fun, fun for all!!

Yey November 8!

Today’s post is about a very special day of the year called “November 8” (which, incidentally, is also my birthday).  I would have posted this yesterday (when it actually was November 8) except I spent the whole day curled up in a corner, sobbing hysterically over my wasted youth (why did I waste my money on Nips and Twin popsies back then when I could have been saving up for a quarterly botox and liposuction combo?!).

Unbeknownst to many, this is actually one of the most significant dates of modern history.  So many people who’ve shaped modern society were born on this one special day; the 20^th century’s movers, shakers and … um… candlestick makers

Here are just a few of the cornerstones of modern civilization born on the eighth of November.

Ace Vergel

Nov. 8, 1952

Ace “bad boy” Vergel was a 90’s Action Star Deluxe.  Not content with his stellar performance in Kamusta Ka, Hudas? and Killer vs. Ninjas, Ace kept pushing the envelope for Filipino method acting.  His devotion to the authentic portrayal of his characters (usually the tormented man driven to violence) is so extreme that he was sentenced to 4 years in prison for possession of methamphetamines and pot following a buy and bust operation by the NBI in 1995. 

Well played Ace! As all the other reindeer said, “You’ll go down in history”, maybe more as a convict than an actor, but who really cares right?

Tara Reid

Nov. 8, 1975

No introduction or explanation necessary…

Sergev Ivasovic

Nov. 8, 1980

A truly gifted man, he has defined film editing as a higher art form.  Who could forget his exquisite editing of Trinaest Stoljeca Hrvatske Kulture (circa 1993) or his work in the gripping political drama Zanimanje Izbjeglica (circa 2000)?  Podivuhodný! (Slavic—it’s what all the cool kids are speaking today)

(note: that picture isn’t really of Sergev. I couldn’t find a picture of him so I just typed “some guy” in google pictures and that’s the first thing that came up.)

Chi Chi La Rue

Nov. 8, 1959

 

Everybody’s favorite plus sized, transvestite porn director.  Where would we be without gems of hardcore adult cinema like How the West Was Hung (circa 2000), Hole Patrol (circa 2004) and Itty Bitty Titty Committee (circa1989)? 

Does 5 “Adult Video News” GAYVN Award for best director awards spell greatness? You bet your sweet bippi it does!